the best part of the retreat experience for me was the  prayer labyrinth. it was a room set up like a maze with different stations to go to to pray for different things. each station consisted of different topics and areas to pray about. whats most amazing was the experiential aspect of it! there were cushions to sit on, biscuits and sweets to eat, props like bed, lego, toys, rice, world map, dining table and chairs…each station were decorated to symbolise and illustrate a point. for example, to illustrate sin, we had to dip our hands into raw rice grains to find a pebble, and in so doing, realise that as some of those rice grains stick to our fingers, sin entangles. another table was filled with toys and figurines, talking about how as a child we enjoyed play, and as a child of God to enjoy spending time with the Father.

in this retreat, i got to spend more time with Matt’s cell people and becos of that, was glad to to know some of them better.  i saw a more relaxed and fun side of them…and i enjoyed myself with them…!

i was also glad for the YA activities planned and initiated by ZH. it was a success and really bonded the YAs together. everyone was just so into the angel and mortal game!!! somehow for the 1st time, i saw the very enthusiastic and warm side of the YAs, and the positive energy of all of us in a group setting. it seemed like all of us wanted to have fun together and we did! wow. that was really encouraging to see! thank God for bringing all of us together and helping us to bond! finally i think we have some identity as YAs and it felt good.

though i say this is the best retreat i’ve attended so far in terms of program, i didnt enjoyed myself as much as the previous retreats. not sure why, but i was feeling down and sian for the most part. so i missed a service and didnt join in the last night mass game activity. i just wasnt my usual cheery self. and this lasted for the whole 5 days! i gained some insights from the sermons and was touched by the speaker’s illustration and explanation of the Father’s love for us exemplified by the prodigal son story but i didnt feel particularly close to God in this retreat nor heard nor experienced him in a powerful way. perhaps like what Jiro said, this was more a retreat targeted at corporate renewal than personal renewal…and thats why i felt like i didnt receive much. or perhaps i was too bogged down by my own negative emotions that i wasnt open to receiving from God. i feel that its such a pity i didnt receive much because i was actually hoping that i would be refreshed and renewed by this retreat. i had been looking forward to it as a much needed break and holiday! yet, i know i didnt come back refreshed. instead i was down and tired. felt so deflated and defeated.

oh Lord, fill me.

something Sam Farina said stuck with me, he said that (as Christians) we often come seeking the hand of God and not the heart of God. 

how true.
how often “are we more interested in the Father’s things than the Father?”

and……. i went to the retreat expecting to be fed than to seek the Father.  forgive me Lord.

another very important and precious takeaway for me in this retreat is that: God loves me very very much!
“We are never too good or too bad to God for Jesus gave up everything in heaven to seek us.” -SF

i think thats so important to me because i have the tendancy to operate/live my life without a conscious knowledge of that fact!  its like subconscious…somewhere…but not in the obvious. and its always good for us to declare that to ourselves constantly isnt it? cos the world has too many negative things and low self-esteem is such a real struggle and a pain in the neck!

let me end this post on a loving thought.

what’s love? love requires us to take risks; risk of being open and vulnerable, risk of being hurt.
“God says i’ll take the risk on you, sacrificial love risk hurt again.”  -SF

and may i add, God’s love risk hurt again and again and again…. his love never fails.

its that time of the day and week where i expected to just chill and relax and do my own things…like msg bf, reply smses, msn chat and fb-ing and afterall its Friday and there’s no work tmr!!! yet very unfortunately, that space was disturbed….first by mum’s negative rantings and demands, helping my brother to call Singtel to temporarily cancel his phone line, and in the midst of all these….sighs….not getting any form of help/support from anyone. everyone seem to be seeking their own peace…….but i have no peace at all!

and…. how come it seems that i’m always the one to shoulder other people’s burdens? or how come i’m like always the one to take on others’ burdens? Am i really too kind and soft? Should i really be selfish and just ignore? Or should i pray through each time this happens and ask God for wisdom? sighs…

and actually it had also been a stressful day at work for me as  i’m swamped suddenly with many things under my portfolio to work on.
and although i am quite a details person i realise today i dont like many details at all!!!! esp when there are so MANY details to look into and they are all the tiny winy small ones… small small details to look into and decide. wa… they are really quite a hassle when it comes to getting things done! really bogged down by them when all i wanna do is to get the discussion over and done with asap!

wa…sidetrack abit, in that case i’m sure i wont enjoy planning my own wedding…….i’ll get a planner and get her to look into all the small details for me, according to what i want! wahahahahahaha…then i can chill, relax and enjoy being a bride! yay! ya i think all brides should just enjoy the wedding process and then just look absolutely stunning and beautiful (the glow) on their big day!

and thank God, just a while after all those stress came upon me tonight, an uplifting thought came into my mind.
the thought was “real peace comes from Christ.”

and i’m like yaaaa…. thats it! i need Christ’s peace tonight. and indeed as i fb-ed in my status not long after that “Lord… only your peace suffices for me tonight.”

im really not someone who manages stress well……in fact i get stressed easily…and the worse thing is that recently, i find myself getting more stressed because of the higher workload…and social calendar for the 2nd half of the year! 5 weddings, all cannot dont go, and of which 2 i’m helping out as sister. woaa… and plus the upcoming church retreat in June, YA camp & outings……… i really think i have alot on my plate which i’m starting to feel challenged to manage/ balance well so that i can still stay healthy and sane! so i  guess its wiser to say i dont need more time but i need loads of self-discipline (which i totally lack!).  :( plus the fact that mum is getting crankier and in poorer health, brother is returning home less often, i’ve been worrying and starting to pray alot more.   its really getting difficult to interact with mum… and emotionally draining…..
i’m also going over to Matt’s cell….transition…friendships with previous cell members are getting ambiguous and abit tricky to manage…and planning for myself to start serving in a ministry again…. ahhhhhhh….all the thoughts and worries i have tonight, Lord pls grant me Your peace.

okie, i’m going off to some spend time with God lest i continue to rant here and my mind gets too active and cannot slp!
Goodnite! May you also sleep in God’s peace tonight.

Exciting times ahead dear fellow YAs. Don’t give up on God for He has not forgotten us. 

Be the change or avoid the change? 

Scarily once again, EJ had hit the nail.

I immediately understood what she meant by that. It’s not a matter of answering, it’s a matter of obeying.
Truth be told, I just didn’t want any answer. I am okay with no answers. I didn’t want my boat to be rocked.
I am comfortable.

Yet, I was itching ….for some relief to my stagnancy. But now I realize I just want it my way. Somehow God’s answer would be too much for me to take.

What was stopping me from moving forward is myself.
It’s a sobering realization. The kind that forces you to take a hard look within yourself.
Its like im seeking for something I didn’t want to pursue.

Courage, I lack.

This prayer is made with much anxiety and trembling. I fear the next step
forward is a HUGE step. So much so that i only can trust God to hold my hand.
The feeling is like I’m at the edge of a high platform, preparing to dive into the pool below. It’s
too terrifying so I’m taking forever to jump because I’m looking for ways to escape!

Dear Lord forgive me. Pardon my lack of courage to pursue what u want for me. Although I still am
not sure what that is, grant me the courage to accept and obey it. If it’s your will, let it be done in my life.
Cure me of my timidity and grant me conviction and passion to do what you’ve called me to. Help me
to waste time no longer. Prepare my heart, ready me Lord. Ready me. Only be with me as I tread with much fear and lack of confidence. Help me lord with those anxiety and worries. Assure me of your providence and favour. Do not leave me alone! Go with me and lead me. You know I can’t do this alone.
Teach me to manage what I need to manage, give me wisdom that I may know how to prioritize my time.
Thank you lord!

somehow, in such conversations, God is evaluated but also exalted, critiqued but praised, dreaded but celebrated! its ironic but uplifting to know that God, the creator of all things, is INTERESTED IN THE SMALL PEOPLE AND LITTLE THINGS.

i can imagine God listening intently to our conversations and smiling wryly, probably saying to his angels with excitement in his voice, “my children are talking about me! Look at them! Hear what they have to say about me! will they guess correctly what im about to do in their lives?”

i cant say we are all so holy moly in our speeches, actually we are quite crude people who punctuates our sentences with WTH, sai la (that’s mine), siao, and criticisms. But i love our brutal honesty and openness with one another. we are REAL people, not saints. so ya, we’re 100% humans.

and somehow, in my conversations with prophectic Grace and knowledgeable Noah, though i lament at my lack of prophecy and gift of knowledge, i get some things right just by saying what’s on my heart. somehow my perception and sensing of the situation turns out to be accurate most of the times. this, i surprised myself! i dunno what gift that is, but i guess through my words, the holy spirit reveals to me the truth. and that probably explains why my perception of things is mostly correct.

and this time, i believe God has rallied 3 of us together for a time and season like this.

I’m blessed to have u guys as cellies.

And i pray that you brace us for what’s ahead Lord, and continue to bind us as one as a cord of 3 is not easily broken. Teach us to give You glory in all things. In Jesus’ name i commit us, Amen.

Thank you for rebuking me in love (esp Liren and ED!!! i’d nv forget the diamond ring lecture, which deserves another post of its own!)
Thank you for your love and concern
Thank you for the timely counsel that saved me from myself umpteen times
Thank you for your precious time and company esp when i was feeling depressed and down
Thank you for the frequent contact and chats
Thank you for having such great interest in my life
Thank you for cheering me on when life gets tough
Thank you for the laughter you’ve created
Thank you for being the sweets treats
This life would be lonelier without your presence

whenever i think of our friendship and when i’m in your company, this verse rings in my head:
“Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.” -Psa 15:22

Thank you my godly counselS! what would i do without u? :p

Thank you for loving me.

much of what made it enjoyable and memorable was the super endearing, well-behaved and highly motivated students!
actually i think they dont need a camp to motivate them, they just need some encouragement and affirmation.
because of them, this camp was so much more xin nang (slack) than all other camps i’ve attended. indeed, things are so much easier when the students themselves are motivated.

the students also left a deep impression on me because they are super guai and independent!!! they are also friendly and take well to my mentoring. i’m not really sure what made them like me so much…….but i’m happy they do!!!

one super poignant moment was when this really quiet girl came up to me after the whole camp, and said to me “I’ll miss you.”

another one was when my group (by their own initiative) huddled together to pray before their actual showcase performance. the prayer was led by a girl and i thought she prayed a good one! so proud of them!!!

i guess all these moments make camps so memorable; that we’ll still remember them many years down the road!

i really enjoy being with youths; there is just something about their genuineness and innocence that captivates my heart.

and i just wanna say i wouldnt have pulled through this camp without God sustaining me! As we had to reach the school at 630AM, i had only 5-6 hours of sleep for the 3 days, and often find myself dozing off during the low activity periods. Quite miraculously, i didnt fall sick nor overslept nor malfunction because of fatigue! I was still able pull through everything with a smile. i really thank God! initially i was very apprehensive about this camp as i was afraid i wouldnt be able to manage the lack of sleep and xiong-ness, and u know, the madness of camps…but this camp had turned out surprisingly well beyond my expectations and was very pleasant! PTL!!!!

later i’ll be going for another camp at PLMGS. I pray that i can pull through this one with God’s sustenance and may it be a impactful and memorable camp for both students and mentors. In Jesus’ name i commit, Amen!

THANK YOU GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear God pls do not be silent anymore. U said that your sheep hears your voice and I long to hear you speak again. I feel so pathetic without your leading, like a lost sheep which has lost the ability to hear. Pls revive me. U know I won’t grow if I continue like this. Pls revive my dry bones. Cure me of my laziness and cause me
to obey you. Lord I want to obey you and I love you. Pls be close again. Help me to lead a life that’s truly yours. Save me from myself.

i dunno what caused the awakeness, could be the milk tea i drank but i suspect its not just that. milk tea doesnt get me up the whole night. besides my dinner was at 8plus, not midnight! so ya i’m quite clueless about the alertness, adrenaline? i guess my mind is just not tired. well, what to do?  cant sleep, dont sleep, already never sleep…..
soooo i’ll just prepare to go to work in a while’ time! hopefully the sleepyness wont creep in then! help meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Lord!!!

yay! i’m so happy Matt passed his drving the second time round! its so much more convenient when he gets to drive around instead of bussing or training around! poor him who always takes 3 hrs to and fro my house. Now its at most 30 mins with no jam! Hurray! Praise the Lord!!! now he can save time and sleep more!

im so happy that we have 2 day offs to claim in Dec!!! one is for Christmas and another is for New Year. AND we have half day on both eves! How shiok! Dec is a good month! yay!

ok i think i shall be running on this adrenaline for the rest of the day! Pray for me!

GOOD MORNING WORLD!!!!