Post Christmas Reflections

This year’s christmas is differnt from the rest of the years for one very special reason. i have a boyfriend who is in Singapore to celebrate with! guess that makes it extra sweet and warm.

this year’s christmas was also special because i received many more presents! Many more due to colleagues who gave. I found one present on my workstation like every other day! they are really sweet!

this year’s christmas was also very packed! it started with service in church, then a heavy pizza and KFC lunch with cell at Diana’s place, then off to Guliver’s Travel movie at PS with Matt’s cell, then off to EJ’s house for dinner till midnight! phew! after dinner, i was like half dead liao!

this year was also special because my mum actually decorated the house with a mistletoe and some trinkets. seeing that, i also followed suit and dragged Matt to Daiso to buy deco with me! haha… and i made my house a little more festive.

and this year’s cards i wrote were all designed by Matt and I. Of cos Matt did the work, i contributed idea la. ha! they looked so pro and nice!

i finally got to eat TURKEY meat! haha… okie i know i sound very country pumpkin here but ya it is so yummy!

sis and i also bought mummy a nice top from bugis as christmas present. she was pleasantly surprised as it was unexpected!

i was also a little more reflective this christmas. a google search revealed that christmas wasnt the exact date of birth of Jesus and it was actually traced to pagan traditions. i didnt know christmas came from non-Christian origins so u could say i was quite shocked. however, many around the world still associate christmas with Christ’s birth. i dunno if it is a good or bad thing, but i guess if it helps us in sharing God’s love, who cares? it is an opportunity nevertheless.

EJ’s sharing also made me think about the meaning of Christmas. i always look forward to Christmas because of the warm and fuzzy feelings it bring and the thoughts of receiving the presents. i wasnt consciously thinking of Jesus as the greatest gift of christmas. but seriously, whats there to celebrate on Christmas without Christ? ” is christmas meaningless?”

as we reflect on Christmas, may we be reminded of our Saviour!

Year long ministry break

so soon it’s dec!!!

This year has been much of a spiritual sabbath in ministry for me. This is my longest break from serving in ministry since I started in 2006. During this break I experienced many other things in my life; a career switch, taking a course at AGBC, stage managing Grace’s 60th anniversary production, conducting a workshop for the R-age p6 camp and internal changes in cell group. To be honest, I didn’t expect the break to be so long! But I believe as God allowed it, it must be quite necessary, although I missed ministering and was getting bored! but I thank god for the new experiences he brought, the p6 camp and stage managing were new to me but i enjoyed myself!

In this ministry break, I realized several things;
- I really like ministering to youths and to leaders and in small groups.
- a gifting from God never leaves you unless he takes it away.
- we are all called to serve whether or not we are in a ministry.
- the love for people cannot be forced; it is borne out of a love for God.
- God’s anointing makes up the difference between an effective Christian and a hardworking Christian.
- staying in the boat yields familiarity and comfort but misses out on revelation and adventure.
- God knows each of his child best.
- fight spiritual war with spiritual weapons.

Even as 2010 draws close, I’m praying for God’s direction for ministry next year. Dear Jesus, take me and lead me.

Finding myself

Been very dry recently.. I miss hearing God’s voice; I
miss the spirit’s leading; I miss the intimate touch of His presence.

What’s happening?

Why does God seem to be speaking to others but not me?
Why does others hear him but not me?

Been listening to find myself from the No One Else album and I realize I so miss God’s touch in my life. I just wanna run into His arms and rest but God doesn’t seem to be nearby.

Dear Lord, I know I need you
I can’t run like this for long
Father won’t you talk to me?

“to your arms I run,
before you I come undone
I know I’ve sinking in the way I’ve been living
I need you, you are the air that I breathe”.
-Find Myself, No One Else

Burdens and prayers 3

Past few weeks had been quite worrying and burdensome.
- grandma had to be admitted for checkup.
- a change of maid for her
- matt’s grandma had a bad fall
- big quarrel btw matt and his mum
- big scolding from my mum to me
- JC’s dad’s illness
- Jojo’s grandma’s passing
- spiritual attack on matt and I
- last min furore of finishing my final paper and reading log

and most recently, just now… My bro told me that we’ll
know in a matter of days something that happened to him regarding his school and work. When I asked him what, he refused to say, insisting that I stop asking and not stress him. Said that he knows I would want to counsel him and thus he doesn’t want to say. when I asked is it he’s suspended or kicked out of school, he says it’s not. Omg.. Hearing him say all that makes me more confused and worried!!! And he had that worried look on his face. What could have happened?? All sorts of negative things that could possibly happen to him flooded my mind! Oh Lord I pray it would be nothing serious and I pray he would be ok! And because he doesn’t want to reveal, I could only pray. Wanted to consult my sis but she’ s not home yet. Oh dear, God help.

Naive or cynical?

Been feeling a bit off (not my usual happy self) for the past few days… Like when I’m out w friends, I’m not as talkative or cheery. Instead, I stoned and kept quiet most of the time. I noticed this but didn’t know why. I thought it was because of tiredness. Close ones like Matt and XY noticed too. I was puzzled and confused by this “offness” which I couldn’t explain for.

As I was thinking abt it yest, I thought I saw the reason why. Relationships w colleagues at work haven been as ideal as I would like…. and that affected how I viewed myself and my emotions. As WJ was quick to point out that because I am a relationships person, so not getting along well w my colleagues would be something really big for me. I couldn’t agree more! And I guess that’s the reason why I’m been feeling off… The I part of me that wants to be well liked and please people has been “attacked” and that affects me emotionally. And I could see no feasible solution because I want to be congruent and be myself… But that means being less liked in some sense. And I can’t help thinking that a few colleagues do not like me, and I’m hurt by their feedback for my work and I struggle to be rational about this. Sighs…. I rem EJ telling me that I am easily hurt by such comments because I take alot of pride in my work.

when I told Matt about this, he said something which really enlightened me. He said “being naive is better than being cycnical”. He read this somewhere in a blog where the author listed some tips for pastors/leaders. Matt said that it is always better to assume the best of people rather than the worst. That what I think about them
is more impt than what they are really thinking about, even if they are not what I perceive them to be.

Wow. That was and is such a revelation for me! I have never thought of it that way! Yeah, I would rather be naive than cycnical. I would want to be optimistic instead of pessimistic! I would rather be hopeful than hopeless/helpless. This doesn’t mean that I make light of feedback or criticisms but it means to take them w positivity and the best attitude instead of getting upset and all too critical. I think repeated and prolonged disappointment with goodness and fairness make a cynic. I’m very much a idealist realist. I don’t want to be cynical or become cynical. It would also be hard for me as a cynic to see faith, hope and love.

I believe this is such a big lesson for me to learn! This will really help me to take criticism and feedback a whole lot better.

Matt said that must be his wisest words to me for the whole day. I agree! Lol… Thank God for giving us wisdom!

Relationship warfare

It’s not always rosy
not always sweet
not always easy

seems that the field has been raised to the next level
its getting harder
getting distracting
disturbing
takes shorter to affect me
takes little to make me cry
man, this is so tough!

The battle is more of the heart than mind
the attack is more emotional than I thought!

How will I be able to withstand more attacks?

dear Lord I look to u!!!

Does God care?

Does God not care?

He gave us his very best, precious and only begotten son, Jesus.

Human pain and suffering, evil, sickness, vice, calamities, crises, cries, and death. Did God not already know what would befall humanity?

Has anyone wondered the weight of God’s heart?

What would weigh upon the divine heart?

Does the weight of his heart bother anyone?

God cares.

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. -John 3:16

Thank you bf, for loving me.

The below is created on my iPhone notes on 15 Sep. Wanted to blog it that day but I somehow forgot to, and it was only when I was looking thru my notes just now that I saw it. So here, I post.

Thank you for loving me. Ur love made me realize how much God loves me. I don’t understand why you still continue to love me even though I have hurt u so many times, agonize and antagonize you. Even when I am rude to you, take u for granted, selfish and so full of pride. I just don’t understand! 

When i asked you why, U said u had faith in God. U said you’ve finally conquered the ‘mountain’. 
 
You made me cry again tonight. My heart has been moved to tears. I feel so loved, so undeservingly and unconditionally loved, so deeply loved in a long while. Other than God, and my immediate family, u are the only one who made me feel very much loved. I never imagine someone to love me so much!

Perhaps when my father left,and when close friends and mentors exited my life, I have never felt such strong love from anyone again. 

Perhaps, over time I grew skeptical of receiving love that I was subtly rejecting your love for me. I didn’t believe love would stay, because those who loved me didn’t.  pushing you away would make me feel better, because I was used to “no-love” anyway. However ur love continues to invade my heart’s inner courts. Your love became too close for my comfort!

And finally today. You came over to my house to lend me your laptop to finish my sch work. And then u helped me to do and edit the work when I said I  was too tired to do it. Then when the work was finished, it was already 11pm. U told me you had to go and cab home. When I asked why u have to cab, u said because u have to finish up 2 sch assignments to be handed up tmr! And the reason u came over to help me is because u know I wouldn’t do it if you didn’t come over. And you said that this is one of those things that you do for me but I don’t have to know.    

You said that God told you that “One day I will open her eyes”. That day I think, is today. I have seen and felt your love for me. Thank you for loving me.  

I guess if there is any thing I want people to know abt me or abt my r/s with Matt, is that we put God first and God is BIG in our lives; that He is King.

Life updates…

Life for me lately has been busy and tiring… Busy with my full time job, school (AGBC), youths at risk course by glenn lim, and not forgetting the meetups with friends, 1 ROM, a 21st bday celebration, upcoming baby shower and a wedding. Oct is really a hectic month!
Almost 3 nights out of my weekdays are spent. All these make it challenging for me to get adequate and quality sleep. Needless to mention, less time for family and recreation!!! its really a trying month.

And now while I should be tired and sleeping, I’m here typing and unloading these thoughts. As I think about my work at FA so far, it has been an eye opening exposure for me in terms of the interaction with the colleagues and youth work. FA has a very different focus and methodology of doing youth work. And from that, I realize I still have much to learn and see! It has broadened the way I see youth
work and challenged my view of doing it. The youths here are also
of a different profile.

Also, i feel that after 2 months here, I’ve finally begun to ease into this family. with that, I guess I’m finally able to close my chapter at R, and ready to begin a new one at FA. For this, I’m glad and thankful. glad and thankful bcos I’ve moved on, and bcos I’ve started to enjoy my work and colleagues at FA. this is really something to thank God for!

okieee I should go sleep now. Goodnite!